Ever since I broke my leg and was told that if I fall, I will break a bone, I have walked through the world incredibly cautiously, watching each step. I've held people's arms in places that felt dangerous and when I went into Lake Nicaragua last week, I generally had one person on each side of me helping me because the lake bottom has periodic large rocks. I've felt like I was 90 years old when people have helped me, but feeling old is better than feeling broken.
The winter has been a particular challenge. Northampton turned into a sheet of ice when we were gone and when the weather weirdly was 60 degrees yesterday, I carved a path through the ice in our driveway so that when it froze again, I would have a safe place to walk.
Yet all it takes is a moment of inattention for things to go quickly awry. That nearly happened a few minutes ago. We were part of a plan for Quinn to have a surprise 11th birthday party. He was over at our house for the afternoon and we were taking him home after the guests had arrived and were hidden. He decided for some reason to go in the front door--we usually use the back--and I was so focused on when the surprise was going to happen, I didn't notice that the sidewalk was a sheet of ice. I slipped and did the whirly, whirly thing with my arms, and regained my balance. In my head, though, all I could think about was what would have happened if I had fallen. What would have broken. What a distraction it would have been from Quinn's party while we awaited the ambulance. How upside down would my life have been turned if I broke a hip. How I would have to start over again in a few months getting fit.
I'm trying to get myself into the present. I didn't break a bone. In fact, what happened was exactly what happened when I broke my leg in 6 places. Then when I tried to regain my balance, my leg broke in 6 places. This time, nothing happened. My bones must be stronger. I am going to return to watching my every step and remember to stop walking if I'm distracted.
I had a fabulous time at spinning today. If you've never tried it, I strongly recommend it. It's an amazing workout. I burned 844 calories in an hour. I was worried that the fact I hadn't done any cardio exercise for 2 weeks was going to have an impact on my ability to keep up in the class, but the fact that I burned that many calories meant I was able to keep my heart at at a high level. That felt great. I was really aware during spinning of how much time I spend evaluating myself--how am I doing compared with other times I've been spinning. Was I able to get my heart rate to 140 as quickly as last time? To 150? To 160? It is the way of our culture--always evaluating, always wanting improvement. I tried to be in the present--how am I feeling, what am I capable of doing now, but it's very hard to stay in the present. I noticed the same thing yesterday--how do the weights I'm lifting compare to the last time, can I hold a plank as long as I could? What ever happened to living for today?
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